Okay...I’m about to share a tweet from my past, but I feel some context is important. Listen! I’m not proud of the 140 characters (yes, it was that long ago) I launched into the Twitterverse, which I have since deleted. But, as you well know, the Internet never forgets. It has an uncanny ability to retrieve historic life episodes long forgotten. Well...here it goes:
Coffee, yes, the morning fluid fueling most Americans, is the bloody diarrheic stool oozing from Satan’s bowels! Enjoy, fools!
Shame swells in my soul even as I type such an abomination. Like a backyard buried corpse dug up by a neighborhood dog years later, the resurrected tweet would assure my social conviction:
Internet: Mr Taylor, it has been brought to our attention, from the concerned public, matters regarding a tweet you sent on May 23, 2015 pertaining to a morning beverage enjoyed by billions of people around the world (A drink also recently enjoyed as an iced-beverage during hotter seasons of the year). Due to the hateful nature of the tweet, we have censored all of your social media platforms. We cannot tolerate such belligerent, abusive and overt language. We have also sent a copy of the tweet to your employer and social circles encouraging those entities to take proper action.
Me: No, no, no, no...please don’t. Let me explain!
Internet: Mr Taylor, no explanation needed. Your words explain enough.
Me: But, I typed it 5 years ago.
Internet: Did you type it?
Me: Yes, but it was…
Internet: Okay then.
Me: I get that. I’m sorry.
Internet: It’s easy to say you’re sorry when you’ve been discovered.
Me: Okay, but I deleted it.
Internet: You can’t delete the Internet.
Me: Look, when I was young my parents would drink black coffee and the smell of it would make me feel sick in the car. I’d almost vomit and I just couldn’t handle the taste. My mom and I would joke about coffee. She’d laugh, asking me if I wanted a cup, and send me newspaper articles about its health benefits. I’d respond by calling it The Devil’s Brew. I don’t even believe in the devil...it was a joke.
Internet: People don’t find it funny. Many find it offensive.
Me: Okay, okay...but here’s the thing. Two and half years after posting that tweet, I started drinking coffee. I had some coffee Blue Bell ice cream one day and...an epiphany: “If I add enough cream and Splenda to my coffee it might taste a lot like this ice cream!” I ventured out. I tried it...and I enjoyed it. For the last 2.5 years I’ve smashed two cups of coffee a day.
Internet: Mr. Taylor, did you or did you not send that tweet in 2015?
Me: Yes, I did. But…
Internet: That’s all the data we need.
Me: But, Mr Internet, you’re not listening to me. I love coffee now! I mean, I really love it. When I go to bed at night, I get excited about waking up to drink coffee. It’s the first thing I do in the morning! It’s delicious!
Internet: That’s besides the point, Mr. Taylor.
Me: But, I’ve changed my mind...no, no, I’ve changed my taste, literally!
Internet: But, as you know, you cannot change your tweet.
Me: I’m sorry...I was wrong!
Internet: We are sorry too, Mr. Taylor. Goodbye.
**After posting this blog entry, the Internet informed me that it is in the process of removing the post since I retyped the original words of the tweet. So, if you are reading this, you managed to find the short window before the Internet censors it permanently.
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