[Read Part I :"My VooDoo Magic"]
EPISODE 1 : THE VISITATION
Your room disguises itself as one belonging to a hospital ward with a touch of Chip & Joanna, but it won't fool you. You reserve a hospice room as a last stop, the station where you catch the train to the afterlife. Kids and nurses have helped you understand, while you still can, the nature of the next couple of weeks - to sum it up: a quick dive into mental and physical incapacity.
As you settle into the reality of the near future, a trickle of family, friends and church members drop in. They echo your life's anchors:
Your brother, holding back the tears while quoting, in his strong baritone voice, the famous words of the apostle Paul: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Your grandchild's tiny hand offering a stick version drawing of you with wings and a halo.
Your small group gathering around your bed washing you in the calming words of the remixed classic: Amazing grace how sweet the sound that save a wretch like me. I once was lost but know I'm found, was blind but now I see...My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
Your lifelong friend sitting on the edge of your bed, hands placed compassionately on your head and shoulder praying beautiful words to your God.
Sometime during this parade your case worker asks, "Would you like a visit from the Chaplain?"
"Sure. That sounds nice."
Although you'd lost track of the days, the wall clock read 3:32 PM. You were still a bit groggy from the medication and afternoon slumber when "Knock. Knock." You turned your head toward the door to see a gentle smiling tall figure, "Good afternoon! I was told you were interested in a visit from the chaplain. Is now an okay time?"
"Yes, of course," you slur.
With a slight bow the bearded chaplain steps over the threshold with his head covered in a skull cap and a copy of the Qur'an tucked under his arm, "How are you feeling?"
EPISODE 2 : FUNERAL HIJACKERS
I don't answer cell calls from unrecognizable numbers. If a caller legitimately wants to connect with me and not simply another my credit card or extended warranty, she often leaves a voicemail or sends a text. This caller left a voicemail:
"Hello Charlton. My name is Jason Logan. I came across your name through the Humanist Society webpage. I have a terminal disease and I'm looking for a Humanist Celebrant because I don't think I have much longer. Will you please return my call when you get a chance?"
I'm not sure how much time Jason has left. I've never met him. We've only talked on the phone. He lives five hours away and he wants me to officiate his funeral. Why an out-of-state stranger? Because I'm the closest Humanist Officiant. Why not have a family member officiate the funeral? Because his siblings are practicing Christians and have told him they plan to provide him with a Christian funeral. He doesn't want a Christian funeral, but one that honors him and his atheist worldview. He's even talked to a lawyer in hopes to ensure his family doesn't hijack his own memorial.
EPISODE 3 : FRAUD, WITH SINCERITY
I'd functioned fraudulently for several months. While I started the job as a Christian, I moved beyond belief while still serving as the Chaplain in residence. I knew I had to quit but the livelihood of several people depended upon my deception. I rationalized staying on until I had something else lined up by reading daily devotionals written by believing Christians instead of writing my own. I told my self, "I'm simply a mouthpiece for their belief." And, when composing weekly sermons I'd excuse myself by inserting the third person, "The Christian tradition teaches" or "Christians believe..." where before I'd have used the first person: "We believe" or "I believe." I know - not good enough. I was an imposter. As soon as I had something else on the docket, I gave my two-weeks notice.
But, before I left, after confessing my atheism to my clergy superior, I pitched the idea of a Humanist Chaplain. I wrote a lengthy proposal of what it would look like. He asked for a couple of days to pray and think about it. He returned with, "I Just don't see how you can offer pastoral care without believing in God."
Good thing I had something else lined up.
EPISODE 4 : FRONT DESK LINEMAN
I held my fresh off the press Humanist Celebrant flyers in my hand. In my eagerness I printed dozens too many. Let me know if you want one. I have a pile gathering dust in my entryway cubby. I optimized the nuggets of free time to post the flyers in coffee shops and alternative restaurants along with delivering small stacks to local hospitals, funeral homes and hospices.
I had a simple spiel, "I'm a Humanist Celebrant. I offer non-religious services for atheists, agnostics and others who are looking for a non-religious alternative to funerals/memorials. If you have any atheists in your facility who you think might benefit from my services, please provide them with one of these flyers. But, more than that, I'd love to be a resource for you. I'd be happy to sit with, talk to and listen to any of your non-believing patients who want some company.
I only rehearsed my speech because I never made it past the front desk. The hospices and hospitals never once granted me access to the chaplain. Once I saw the ever-elusive chaplain. He sat in an office only 20 feet away. I strained toward his space hoping he'd glance my way and sense my sincerity. But instead, I left my flyers and contact info, a hand written note and many times followed up with an email.
Zero chaplains contacted me. No email. No call. No coffee.
CONCLUSION
I might be wrong. I often am. Perhaps the demand for Humanist Celebrants and Chaplains, in spite of the ever growing number of Nones, is on par with New Coke (That's right you children of the 80's...you remember). It's possible I'm delusional.
It's also possible I'm right. Maybe the demand is simply not heard. Maybe atheist patients and families don't know there's an alternative pastoral care...one that aligns with their ways of moving through the world. Most chaplains, let's go with the most common in America, - most Christian chaplains maneuvering hospital and hospice halls will "outsource" pastoral care to those outside their religious tradition: a Rabbi to a Jew, an Imam to a Muslim, a Priest to a Catholic. What about a Humanist to an atheist/agnostic?
I'm confident a well-trained christian chaplain knows how to navigate a wide varieties of beliefs, fears, and feelings to bring encouragement and peace to their patient. I'm also confident there are christian chaplains who sincerely believe introducing patients, however subtle, to their God is in the best interest of the patient. That is an incorrect assumption. Re-read Chapter 1. Replace the patient's tradition with your own religious tradition. Replace the chaplain with any tradition different than your own. No matter how skillful the chaplain something's missing, isn't it? This is the atheist experience.
I believe there is a growing need for secular pastors.
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