I met God in a forest.
"Oh shit! It's you!! I didn't think you were real."
"I know. That's why you're bound for Hell."
"So that's a real thing too!"
"As real as the birth mark on the inside of your right thigh."
"You're good. Yeah, yeah...you're really good."
"Just so you know...I'm not happy or even okay that you're headed there. My wrath doesn't really work that way. It's not like I'm firing hip shots with holy pistols at anyone who gives me a funny look. It's just the natural outcome of disbelief."
"Disbelief. That's a funny word. It's almost as if you're saying I chose not to believe in you! God knows...no, sorry. No. Actually yes - YOU know I tried. For forty-fucking years I tried. I can say "Fuck," right? Because...you know what I'm thinking anyway."
"You can say what you want. It's not the F-word that sends you to Hell."
"But I did...I really did try. I even believed that I believed even though you never spoke to me. Yes, I get you speak through the Bible and Creation and the Church, but never with sound waves entering my ear kind of thing! Do you remember that time in the car when I screamed as loud as I could, 'Just show up! Just fucking show up!"?
"Yes, of course."
"Or the time in high school when I prayed for a month that you'd let me or give me the power to speak in tongues?"
"Sure."
"But nothing! Just English, Spanish and Portuguese...which as you know where the results of hard work and I still kinda suck."
"I didn't think it necessary. I felt there was enough evidence for you to believe."
"Well, apparently not!"
"Well, I couldn't force you to believe because that would cost you your free will."
"Well, if I'd had a choice of giving up my free will or spending eternity in Hell, I'd have told you to take my free will. Plus I tried! I read books...lots of books. I asked big questions and searched for answers. I tried to hang on to Jesus as long as I could. I play...hell...wow, that word has a new weight to it now. Hell, I play Devil's advocate to the atheist position all the time in conversations with myself."
"I'm aware of your efforts."
"That's got to count for something! And no, science doesn't have all the answers, and there is still so much I have no idea about. But, no matter how I arranged the numbers I couldn't get them to equal 'God!' It never added up."
"Yes, you tried but you got the wrong answer. It saddens me."
"I got the wrong answer using the tools you gave me! This brain! I didn't design it!"
"It is an amazing contraption."
"Yes, but apparently it wasn't enough. I ran the thing full throttle, using all the physical abilities you'd given me and came up wrong...what else could I use but the tools you gave me."
"Yes, it appears your brain and intellect wasn't enough."
"Then what am I left with? Are you saying I'm doomed to Hell because my brain, which you gave me, came up with the wrong answer, because when I really tried...like genuinely tried to put it to its designed purpose it led me away from you. Shouldn't you have designed a brain that would lead me toward you! How can I be responsible for having the wrong answer when I used the only contraption that you gave me to compute the answer?
"Billions of others have used the same contraption and it found Belief!"
"I know...but it didn't for me!"
"I know and I'm sorry. I just want you to know it's not personal. It's just the nature of the beast."
And then he left. He left me alone in the forest.
Comments